What To Do When a Child Leaves the Nest

Most of our posts have been focused on the student. This, of course, makes sense as we are here to help make the process of college applications, preparation, and transition smoother for you and your family. However, there is someone who is often overlooked during this period: the parent. You only want the best for your child, and while witnessing their joy and excitement about this new chapter is thrilling, it is not without trepidation. We hope the tips below will help you–the parent–manuever this new phase of life a bit easier.

Do Not Feel Guilty About Your Feelings

Whether you are happy about being an empty nester or miserable, either emotion is valid. You can look forward to a break from driving your teen around, while lamenting the fact that they are no longer available to drive around. Are your friends excited about all the new hobbies they will try, but you are not athletic enough for pickleball or have the memory for Mahjong? This is fine too. Maybe your niche is sitting on the couch and binging favorite movies. Maybe you just enjoy resting on a park bench. Or, maybe, you do not wish to change your routine at all. All of these feelings are appropriate. The most important thing is to do what feels right without worrying you are deviating from the norm. These are your emotions and, therefore, completely normal.

Get To Know Yourself Again–Or For the First Time

Something happens when we become parents. The Bryan Adams song “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” plays on repeat in our minds–forever. Many adults have told us, “I do not know what I am except a Mom/Dad/Guardian.” Even when you have a career outside of that identity, the caretaker role often supersedes all others. However, now is the time to find out what else can give your life meaning. You will always be a parent, but what else are you? What else gives you joy and purpose? 

Tips:

1. Search for volunteer opportunities that match a skill you have. For example, if you are a CPA, contact your local library or senior center and see if residents might be able to use your services. The libraries in our area ask for volunteers to help residents every tax season. 
2. Go back to a hobby that once gave you joy. 
3. Give yourself permission to NOT analyze. This seems the opposite of numbers one and two above, but the pressure to FIND something to do when you are content in your surroundings will just feed into the guilt and contribute to uneasiness.

Discuss Expectations With Your Child

To text or not to text? How much communication is too much? Nothing increases anxiety more than the unknown. Only you and your child know the extent of correspondence that will make you both happy. 

Tips:

1. Work on compromising–coming closer to what your child wants, than what you want. First year students are feeling all kinds of emotions–excitement, fear, need for independence while not wanting to leave the safe space they know. Some may want you to check in or visit more. If this is what they need, do that for them at the start to help them get acclimated. For those that want less communication, come up with a number of weekly check-ins that sound reasonable to both of you, with one video chat, if possible.
2. Plan to spend extra time at move-in to help your child get situated. Most schools have activities for parents and students, so there is a predetermined time students and parents can use as a cut-off. This will allow both of you the preparation needed to say your good-byes.
3. Wean the student off. Assure your child you will always be there for them, and they can contact you at any time. However, it is also important to motivate them to address a problem (life-threatening, serious issues aside) on their own before jumping in. If they have an issue with a class or professor, encourage them to talk to their advisor. If there is an issue with the roommate, see if they can figure it out amongst themselves or with RA assistance. You are not being mean. You are giving your child the tools they need to succeed.

(Re) Connect 

Most likely, you already have a friend network. Great! However, it is also important to have access to those who have been where you are.

Tips:

1. Find online chats with others in the same boat. Most colleges have online parent groups. Not only do they share information and advice about the school, but they answer questions you think only you have. If you are not into Facebook or similar, check your college emails for parent information and a contact. If you reach out to them, they should be able to put you in touch with people in your area for real life gatherings.
2. If you are in a relationship, reconnect with your partner. They are experiencing many of the same emotions you are. Lean on each other for support. Send each other funny jokes or memes each time you want to contact your child outside the scope you agreed upon.
3. Look for faith-based resources or local recreation centers. Both are filled with interesting people and fun activities.
4. Check in with your student’s younger siblings. Even if their main form of communication has always been arguing, the change in family dynamic will likely be difficult for them. Seek out activities they enjoy that maybe your oldest did not. Binge favorite television shows or do silly things the oldest had outgrown. Ask what they need and help them get through this time too.
5. Check in with your pets. They will surely feel the change. You will probably notice your furry friends sleeping on your oldest’s bed or on top of their clothing. Maybe the four-legged family member will be wandering aimlessly from room-to-room, sniffing, meowing, or whining. Be there for them. Buy them a new treat and spend extra time with them.

What awaits you and your family is both exciting and nerve-wracking. However, give yourself grace with the process. It is an adjustment, but in time you will all find your footing and a way to navigate this new dynamic.